Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

My Daily Gratitude thingy

Okay well I have another hour (which is shorter by an hour of my usual work day).
And I know I promised to do the gratitude thing daily at least for a month.
I will have to write down some while I'm away as I'm not sure anyone will bring a lap top.
So I will make sure to get this one down today.

Okay here we go...

Today I am grateful

1. That the gas station attendant at the first gas station told me not to put crap gas in my car and to drive 2 km down the road for the right fuel for my car. 
2.  The fact that I can use work time to get gas if needed so that I can travel to Toronto even faster!
3.  That my brother is taking care of my dog so I didn't have to put him in a Dog Hotel which makes me nervous and I have yet to have to do that.
4.  That one of the secretaries at work makes an effort to speak to me about daily things (like nonsense things but fun to take a break and chat).

That is it for today.
I'm off to Toronto then the Lake House for New Years Eve.
Thank goodness 2010 will be done with and a brand new 2011 to begin.

Chapter X-22: Things a mama don't know*

So get this...
Okay we arranged to have my things picked up from Spencer's place (a country away ...may as well be a world away).  Spencer wasn't there but his dad was but didn't say ANYTHING to my parents.  My mom said he looked very uncomfortable.  He was 5 minutes late but pulled up in time to open the garage (where everything was neatly piled up of mine).

My mom was going through all my stuff ( would you like you mom to pick through everything that was your whole life packed into 3 suitcases and 3 small boxes living overseas for MORE than a year...and seeing as I packed them in April/May I can't even remember what is in them!) that she picked up from Spencer's place.

My mom went through ALL of my stuff...some minor stuff broken (like the frame of my diploma...I think it was a $300 frame but what can you do?) AND my mom found his army medal (that he had given me) and tried to call him to ask what he would like to be done with it...seeing as they are there they could drop it off at his parents place etc. (ie. still trying to be cordial and as pleasant as possible in this very unpleasant situation).

My mom called from their friends phone which would appear like a local number to him instead of a long distance Canada phone number.  Spencer must be screening his calls but since he didn't recognize it he called RIGHT back.  Except when my mom answered (she has a pretty easy to recognize accent) he HUNG UP!
Then she called him back and left him a message where she told him that she didn't appreciate him hanging up on her because she wants NOTHING from him and just wanted to know what to do with the medal she found of his.

So then she wanted to know what to do with it.  I said well bring it here...I'm sure he forgot to pack some of my stuff (and maybe this would be a bargaining chip?? Who know maybe he had 100 of these that he used to lie to women I'm having a hard time believing anything he told me)  but I won't know if I'm missing anything until I get a chance to go through it all.  Seriously how immature can you get???  He is such a liar.  What a tool!  I am glad in a way because my mom is able to see what I am dealing with (unanswered phone calls and hang ups and 0 explanation) because at least they will know I'm not crazy or lying myself because this story/his behaviour is almost too ridiculous to believe.

I will keep you posted

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Fake it 'til you feel it

Had a huge wake up call today.
I can either dwell in my shit or pack it away start getting positive and move on with my life.
I wonder if my exboyfriend project is "dwelling"...I think I'm going to take it as a positive because I am trying to learn from it to not make the same mistakes.
I can't dwell on Spencer any more.
It is what it is and I will update it and eventually get to looking at the relationship more in depth but for now I just need to move on. 
I can't change can never "make" anyone do anything.
Even IF things were entirely my fault then usually with a serious relationship you get the opportunity to work on it.
I can be mad how he handled it but if I start to blame myself that really isn't going to get me anywhere I'm just going to wallow in it.
So other than any further resolution/communication that continues I will focus on making this much more positive.  It must have been a drag reading this blog lately...heck I probably would have been like who is this whiny person?!

So I will fake it 'til I feel it.
I guess this gratitude thing is worth a shot in being positive.
Lets go with what I am specifically grateful for today and my challenge will be to do this daily for at least one month.

1. Grateful that my dog likes to snuggle with me and put his head in my lap as if to say...I'm here for you.
2. Grateful for having a coffee card to Tim Horton's for Christmas so I don't have to pay for it out of my  "weekly cash" (hey that is $2.15 I can put towards the Burberry trench).
3. Grateful that I am able to talk via email to my far away friends when I really am feeling down in the dumps.
4.  Grateful that some of my friends can get tough with me and let me know to move on and pick myself up.
5. Grateful that I have my new spin bike to spin.
6. Grateful that I can swap out my car (whose check engine light just came on) for my brothers car so that I can still make my trip up North tomorrow.
7. Grateful for packing tonight for what is sure to be an amazing weekend with some of my best friends.


Tuesday, December 28, 2010


What is wrong with me? 
Ughhh I hurt and I've come to the realization that maybe this IS all my fault and I ruined everything.
I was too open and in trying to get Spencer to understand the place I was in and in trying to get him to understand my complicated relationship with my mom I ruined it.
To the point where he wants nothing to do with me...AND I'm devastated.
I thought I was doing good...and now I feel like I ruined everything.
I'm so confused and I am so angry at myself.
After last nights conversation I just feel awful and like maybe my biggest fear realized is that I really did ruin it all and it is all my fault.
Maybe my exboyfriend project is useless because the common denominator in all of it is ME. 
Its like if I didn't put so much pressure on Spencer and if I wasn't so open it could be a totally different situation right now.
Any situation has got to be better than the one I'm in right now.
I feel awful.
Then I think I can never be open with who I am or what I'm feeling because it is too much for anyone to handle because simply I am not good enough.
The only conclusion becomes this is why everyone always leaves. 
Right now I don't feel pretty enough, smart enough, nice enough...I don't feel enough.
I don't know how to become good enough.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Chapter X-21: The Leavers Dance*

He called to confirm tomorrow ...again.
Again my heart was pounding...only I couldn't hold back anymore.
Here is how it kind of went...from what I remember.

Him:  Hi my flight just landed I just wanted to confirm tomorrow at 12pm.
Me:  Yup nothing changed.
Him: Okay well my dad will be there and everything is in the garage.
Me:  So...was it easy to pack up my stuff (referencing the earlier conversation when he told me he wanted to see how he "felt" packing my things up...that maybe he would "feel"something).
Him:  Yup it was easy everything was basically packed already. (Guess he didn't "feel" anything).
Me:  "Oh okay...ummm I was really hoping to have a conversation because I still feel really confused."
Him: "Teagan we will talk later not now."
Me:  "I uhhh just feel really tired of waiting and I don't understand."
Him:  "Oh can you NOT understand...things have been going...we have been having problems for the last 6 months"  (this I did NOT see).
Me:  "I guess I thought we had some minor disagreements but nothing to end "us" or else I wouldn't have moved back across the world and I wouldn't have paid deposits/planned for our wedding.
Him:  "I bet you are telling everyone you "didn't see this coming"".
Me:  "I really didn't"
Him:  "You are just being a victim...I didn't like being around you anymore" (that hurt).
Me:  "I really thought despite disagreements about certain things based on what you told me and what we were doing that in the end we were there for each other and "together" or I wish you had TALKED to me about things so we could have a chance to work on things"
Him:  "How could you think that?  It obviously was going down the drain"
Me: "That's what I want to try and understand"
Him:  "Teagan we came back to this side of the world and you were this depressed person that I didn't want to be around" (that hurt more)
Me: "It was a hard time for me and I thought you would be there"
Him: "Teagan, your mom hates my family (not true), nothing was working for us"
Me:  "I don't agree which is why we need to discuss this"
Him: "I'm not discussing this now...I just wanted to confirm the time tomorrow...I'm tired I've been travelling all day and the last thing I want to deal with is you (that hurt the most)
Me: "Okay but this isn't fair and it's not fair that I am having to deal with all this negative stuff by myself and it is rather easy with you because you have no negative effects from this at all...(referring to the fact that I have to face my family, and cancel the wedding, and deal with immigration issues, and I put my career on hold for him while his life carries on as normal etc.) "you didn't even have the respect to come talk to my face you are essentially ending a marriage over the phone" 
Him: (now raising his voice):  "you think this is "easy" for me?  I didn't have TIME to come talk to your face just to end it...whatever... this is why I didn't want to get into it with you"
Me:  "Okay fine...I just feel like we need to talk and I feel like there is tons of misunderstanding that can be cleared up"
Him:  "There is nothing that needs to be cleared up you wanted me to go to the grocery store and cook the same dinner and watch the same movie as you so we could be close...that is just stupid" (he was referring to some things I looked at on line of how to make a long distance relationship easier and that was an example...I only did this because I did feel a distance between us and I was willing to do anything to make it better)
Me:  "I didn't mean that literal I was trying to make things better and stay close despite the distance"
Him: (his voice getting louder as he got more aggitated)  "I didn't want to do that...I called you but that wasn't enough for you" (he would call once a day sometimes for 5 minutes and I DID want to talk more")
Him:  (shouting) "just so you know this won't ever be cleared up Teagan"
Me: "Okay"
Him:  (still yelling) "I'll talk to you later...this is ridiculous you are being ridiculous"

Then he hung up and I sat there stunned.
I tried to call Jane then Val and just burst into tears on the phone.
It seems to all have come to this...I ruined our relationship.  I wasn't enough...and I was an awful person to be around.  I left him no choice...maybe I was given all these "chances" and I drove the relationship striaght into the ditch...this hurt worse than anything I have ever felt.  Maybe it was all me.
I'm angry at myself ...maybe he is totally could I NOT have seen this coming.
Did I make it impossible for him to love me?
Was I too open in trying to lean on him for support?
Did I demand too much?
All I know is this makes me feel like I am not good enough...and it makes me not like myself very much.

He texted a few minutes later " is not right for me to raise my voice.  I hope you feel better."

Actually I don't I feel a million times worse.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Slight change in plans...Boxing Day

Sooooo...if you were totally closely watching the Burberry Ticker Tape like I am.  It was a little higher and now lower because of Boxing Day Sales.  In a good way though (I think) haha.  Oh well a little shopping day I think is JUST what I needed.  Soooo I got some cash as Christmas I was going to put a portion to the Burberry Coat fund...then I went and found something I needed more.  I've been debating for awhile on getting a spin bike...vs a gym membership.  Both are expensive but I think part of the reason I would like to have a spin bike is because I'm not exactly feeling social at this point.  I also need to just MOVE again...I haven't ever been this long without working out and its not a weight thing...I've lost quite a bit.  Its more of a "feeling more like myself" reason that I just need to move again.  I also need a way to get some anger out haha.  I talked myself out of buying one because by the time you factor in a regular one at any of the Fitness stores in London you are looking at close to $1000.  If I was to buy it online in the US by the time I pay for shipping and customs it is the same thing.  And that seemed like too much to spend.

So it was really nice at Christmas last night that my cousin Bella and her boyfriend invited me to go Boxing Day Shopping with them.  Boxing Day in Canada is equivalent to Black Friday in the US and is the day after Christmas.  Usually I don't ever brave the crowd but getting out of the house is something I'm trying to do.  So off we went to go shopping and they were nice enough to pick me up too.  So first we went to Best Buy so she could get a Wii (I think we all had so much fun playing Christmas Day).  Then we stopped at Canadian Tire because I heard they had one type of spin bike that might be on sale.  There was one on sale today that is regularly $799.99+tax and it was on sale for $399.99+tax.  So I cracked and I took the $250 out of my Burberry trench fund (that I had placed there 12 hours earlier) and that plus the rest was my Christmas present money used up to get this! 

I'm going to track my distance I think with a ticker too (seeing as I am now somehow obsessed with).  My first goal might be to see how long it takes me to cycle to ...Paris?  Too far for now?  I'm going to think about it before I finally decide.  So it ended up being a pretty fun day.  I'm glad they invited me and I could get out of the house.  At least I got to talk to Bella about it.  She was going to be my maid of honour in the wedding.  She was confused and was like "I JUST don't understand what happened...he was so completely in love with you it was incredible.  Something HAD to happen."  I was like "I know I wish I knew."  In the end though she gave me a hug and said "Teagan I'm really sorry this is happening to you and out of everyone I have ever known you deserve it the least.  I wish I could go beat him up!"  And then I laughed and cried.  It was good to at least let her know what happened.  Then we hung out and talked about my next step which is likely a move.  She has a peaked interest in moving now too and being roomates(I think her boyfriend AND mother may kill me if this actually happens). 

Then I did a very Canadian thing and watched the first game of the junior championship hockey tournament.  Canada vs.Russia ...hmm I bet none of my friends south of the border (meaning USA) would realize such an important sports event was occuring.  My brother and I also decided to make pizza together.  Not at all totally from scratch but it did involve more work than just opening a box out of the freezer and throwing it in the oven.  I meant to take more pictures like an "after" picture but when the pizza came out of the oven we promptly cut it up and ate it!  Oops...well I am getting used to taking pictures more just not a pro yet.  Here is the pizza "before" shots.

And then We won!!!!!!!!!!  What a great game.  Final score was Canada 6 Russia 3 wahoo!

Then I put together the spin bike and I can't wait to get started.  But my brother is having people over so tonight won't be my first spin it will have to wait until the morning.  Here it is by the Christmas tree.  Overall I think it was a pretty good day.  And I get an extra day off tomorrow :)  Things are looking up.


Saturday, December 25, 2010

Chapter X-20: All that you can't leave behind

It's Christmas.
My family doesn't do the North American thing of getting up early to see what Santa brought.
When we were little the challenge was to stay awake on Christmas Eve and Santa would come at midnight.
So usually Christmas day we would sleep in and have like a late Christmas lunch which is the traditional Turkey etc.

Well really I'm just stalling from writing something.
He called wish me Merry Christmas...WTF?!
Really?!  Does that make him feel better?!

Our conversation kind of went like this...

Him: "Hi I'm just calling to wish you a Merry Christmas.  I hope it is as good as possible given the circumstances"
Me: (startled feeling my heart pounding in my chest)..."ummm thats nice"
Him: "So uh yea I just wanted to say Merry Christmas and I hope you have a good day. "
Me:  (wanted to flood out my words...of I miss you, and this doesn't feel right and please come see me and let's please stay together...instead I muster out)..."thank you"
Him:  "so I didn't talk to the lawyer yet, and I'm just on my way to the airport so I wanted to call you...and we are still on for your parents getting your stuff on Tuesday at noon"
Me:  "ok" (I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest)
Him:  "okay well are you with your family?"
Me: "uhhh not right now"
Him:  "okay well I will talk to you soon babe" (the babe part killed me)
Me:  "okay ...thanks for calling...Merry Christmas Spencer"
Him:  "okay bye Teagan"
Me:  "bye"

ahhhhhhhhhh!  Seriously why?  What the frigging heck is he doing?  There are so many things I wanted to tell him!  I miss you, I love you, this doesn't feel you feel right?  Please let's work this out!...I'm an idiot for feeling this way because it should be obvious to me he does NOT feel this way.  It is just when I talk to him...everything comes flooding back.   And now I get to get ready to go to my parents house for Christmas Day celebrations.  I made it through last night.  So this should be okay again...but now all I can think about is Spencer.

I will do a Christmas update sans Spencer...because really he isn't part of my life anymore (his choice NOT mine).  Sigh...why does it seem so hard?

Friday, December 24, 2010

Chapter X-19: The trick is to keep breathing*

He just called.
The first time I didn't answer (I'm still at work).
Then I answered when he called again 30 minutes later.
Maybe its important.
Maybe (this teeny tiny part of me hoped...) he realized what an idiot he has been and now regrets his decision...yea right.

It is like someone taking a poker from a fire sticking it in my stomach and twisting.
It hurts so bad to talk to him
8 weeks ago he was here...dancing at one of my best friends weddings with me...saying I love you.
And now...he sounds like a total stranger.

I wonder, can he be this unaffected?
Does this not bother him in the least?
Does his heart not ache like mine when I talk to him (and the glaring truth is OBVIOUSLY not).
And it much that to the point where when I hang up I'm shaking and could burst into tears.
Maybe he is a sociopath...that's the conclusion some of my girlfriends have come to because his behaviour has done 180 degree flip...that or bi-polar.

The first message was awkward that he left.
He was just calling to firm up a time...then when he called for the second time in the hour I answered and our conversation kind of went like this.

Him: "so I uhhh just landed and wanted to firm up a time for your parents to get your stuff"
Me:  "does noon on the 28th still work?"  (this was the original time and day and this hasn't changed...what is he stupid?)
Him:  "ok...high noon it is... so I'm not sure if I will be there or my dad or maybe my friend"
Me: "ok"
Him:  "let me give you my dad's new phone number because you probably don't have it"
Me: "I guess not"
Him: " yea"
Me:  "I haven't heard from the lawyer yet"
Him:  "yea me either...maybe when I fly out Monday night or Tuesday morning I will stop by"  (so he won't be there on the 28th...why doesn't he just say beyond annoyed).
Me: "have you talked to your friend (who is a "family" lawyer)?"
Him:  "no I just landed so haven't had a chance to"
Me:  "well it just seems like this is getting dragged out and I would like to have it finished as soon as possible"
Him (in an annoyed voice):  "it will Teagan"
Me:  thinking to myself God he is so cold and doesn't care at all...he doesn't even ask how I am doing...doesn't he care it is Christmas and everything he told me was a big lie...what the hell is his problem with I that awful of a person...god it hurts to talk to him ...I just want to burst...finally I say
"this is awkward"
Him:  "I don't think the situation will ever get less awkward"
Me:  "ok"
Him: "okay well I will talk to you later"
Me: "ok"
Him: "bye"

I hang up the phone in a state of shock and anger and just like that the hurt is there.  Every time I talk to him I wish I hadn't.  It always makes me feel so much worse.  Part of me wishes we could actually "talk" instead of this horrible waste.  I guess I feel like I still don't understand what the heck happened.  I wish I could erase the last year of my life and wipe him completely from it. 

God this hurts...okay suck it up...grab a swig of water...and continue to work like everything is great. 
Fake smile...check
Fake cheerful voice...check
Hide shaky hands other the desk...check
Heart ache...check
I guess the trick is to keep breathing...sometimes it feels impossible.

Merry Christmas Eve at the Office

In other "at least some people like me" news I got to work this morning to find this on my desk.

How thoughtful and sweet of everyone to do this.  Yesterday I had three gifts on my desk that I already thought was too much but this morning there was even more.  Plus a feeling of guilt because I have been so consummed by my own life that I didn't do anything for anyone at the office.  Though in my own self defense I had no idea this happened here at the office. **Small update: All the guys at work in the back which is very "industrial" (there are probably like 60 or so in the back) gave us a card "to the beautiful secretaries"...awww it was very sweet especially because I feel like I look like CRAP at work...and they all pooled together to give the three of us $150 worth of gift certificates to Shoppers (which is like the equivalent to like CVS but has TONS of great makeup (even high end department store makeup like Dior) and girly stuff in Canada).**    It puts a smile on my face and then I force myself to NOT think about last year and Spencer and what he is thinking/doing (because obviously its not me...and I'm frustrated in both senese of it!)  Never mind that.  I'm all set to finish up work today (hopefully a little earlier than the usual 5pm).  Then off to the parents place (to see if they like the Wii I got them).  Then Christmas day tomorrow again at the parents.  I wish I didn't feel like this was such a couple-ly time of the year.  I miss having someone to do these holiday celebrations with.  I miss having someone's hand to hold and kiss under the mistletoe...someday...I hope. 

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy Holidays to everyone.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Chapter 6: Prom Night At Hater High*

And before I knew was prom night.
That pinnicle night of high school filled with magic and romance and drama.
Our "theme" was A Secret Garden.
It took place at the Convention Centre which was a big non-descript ball room downtown.

The day started off ordinary enough...though I did hear through my drummer friend that Gavin was going to prom.  Wait...what...he didn't even have a ticket!  Turns out the very strict rules weren't that strict because it seemed that they did want everyone to be able to go to their own prom.  That unnerved me a little... and I peppered our mutual friend with questions like "does he have a date?" (he didn't think so)..."how was he getting there... driving?"  (not sure he didn't have a car perhaps he was crashing and being a +1 in a limo (humph didn't he know rented city buses were the way to go...I digress)..."does Gavin know I'm going with Nathan" (yea the drummer thought that is why he was actually going....and THAT threw me for a loop).  This day was already taking a strange turn.  I had know idea how bizarre it would get.

So I was mildly freaking out...what on earth was going to happen.  Would Gavin talk to me?  Would he ask me to dance?  Where would he sit?  How on earth did he get a tuxedo last minute? The rest of the day started to fly by at school and before I knew it I was leaving.  Hopped into my car and first picked up Nathan's boutinniere before heading to my mom's salon to get the prom day package (mani/pedi, makeup and prom updo).  My mom was going to head home with me to help me get ready etc.  So she followed me across town.  I was concentrating on not sweating and ruining my hair (I had to drive with the windows rolled up and it was getting hot in that jeep!)  I was hurrying home because it was a tight schedule and I probably had 20 minutes to change into my dress before Nathan came to pick me up.  So everything went well Nathan brough me a wrist coursage (which I thought were way better than pin-on coursages) and we posed for the prerequisite photos.  Then we headed to Ashleys house and I was nervous.  On the way Nathan was like "don't worry about Gavin I can totally take him" and in my head I was thinking ...really it could actually come to that?!  He told me not to be nervous and then we pulled up to Ashley's house with the party all in full swing. 

I knew these people but they certainly were not my friends so I was kind of like on high alert.  I mean I had drinks (because I didn't want to look like a total loser)...but I secretly kept dumping half out into the bushes of her backyard (thank god for garden parties!)  Then we all piled into the cool city bus and all the guys were carrying on about how great and epic this night was going to be and jokes about bringing enough condoms (I almost spit my drink out at that one!)  We got to the place without incident and everyone did their best at hiding flasks to avoid detection inside.  I think only one out of 11 got confiscated too.  So we go to the table where we are supposed to sit and to my dismay Jaimlyn is sitting at our table.  I just took a deep breath and sat down.  I didn't really have to talk much anyway because our table was pretty intoxicated.  Jaimlyn started off being was so weird.  Here's sort of how it went.

Jaimlyn:  Hi Teagan
Me:  Hi Jaimlyn you look nice.
Jaimlyn: Thanks so I heard you were at Ashley's place before.
Me:  Yea it was really fun.
Jaimlyn:  I was surprised you were invited (dig #1)
Me:  Well Nathan is good friends with Ashley and everyone ...(as I kind of shrugged)
Jaimlyn:  So did you pick out your dress...its kind of ummm... plain (dig#2)
Me:  (stammering) muttering something about a mall
Jaimlyn:  You KNOW it looks familiar...hmmm funny...I think someone is wearing the EXACT same one here (she said this is why she even bothered to talk to me in the first place).
The colour drained from my face...was she serious? ...yup out of the whole prom (probably like 250 kids) only two of US had the exact same dress in the exact same colour.  This is so not supposed to happen...thank goodness Nathan chose that exact moment to rescue me... he totally stepped in "Jaimlyn do you have to be such a b*tch...besides she looks better in the dress" and then grabbed my hand so we could go get drinks...and practically ran smack dab right into Gavin...standing to the side in a tux.  (He did look good I had never seen him dressed up before)...and he had kind of a James Dean thing going on where seriously Nathan looked like a big huge football player stuffed into a rented monkey suit.   I did what any 12th grader would do... I walked right by him like he wasn't even there. 

So the night went on and awards were handed out...I didn't get any big shocker there.  There was the usual categories of King and Queen and best smile etc.  There was also some interesting awards and the big scandle of the categories was when Ashley had her award pulled because she was the shoe in to win "most likely to appear on Jerry Springer".  Seriously that was an award.  But really who makes a porn with her boyfriend that is taped by his best friend and this tape had just recently started making circulation.  Seriously...before the time of celebrity sex tapes this was happening in my high school!  Good thing no one in the popular crowd knew I was still a V-card holder (ie. still a virgin).  The night was good if slighly uncomfortable which is how I imagine most proms actually are.  The last song of the night played some very slow song probably Kacee and Jojo.  And the weird thing was Gavin stood at the side of the dance floor and just burned a whole into the back of my head and EVERYone noticed.  Nathan certainly did... and wanted to make an example of him but there were way too many chaperones around.  So we finished our last dance of my big prom night and headed back to the city bus (still the cooler version of a limo, or at least everyone was saying that).

We then made the hour journey outside of the city to  Rob's farm.  When we pulled up there was a sea of cars and limos.  The field was lit up with criss crossing lines of multicoloured paper latterns strung up and the end of the field was scattered with tents.  There was a huge bonfire and the party had way more people then there was at the actual prom.  The party was already in full swing with my friend the drummer dj-ing.  Rob's mom let the girls into the farm house to give us space to change out of our prom gowns into jeans and tank tops and flip flops.  We grabbed the solo cups and filled them with the girly home brew of tropical punch and probably the cheapest vodka they could find mixed in giant camping thermoses.  Someone who part timed at McDonalds had mixed vodka into that orange drink that is so familiar to childhood that they used to bring to like outdoor familiy picnics that was kind of odd.  Also, Cammy wasn't there...she was sick that night and Dave didn't seem to down about it.

Everyone kind of feel into the usual party going prom mode.  Cliques separated off but in general it was pretty inclusive everyone sharing the big bonfire and the drinks and mingling.  The biggest scandle so far was a group of stoners hot boxing a limo.  Then someone using said limo to get it on but someone opened the door and snapped a picture (totally proving that having sex in a limo was DEFINITELY not private enough).  

So I was minding my own business having fun with everyone...dancing and generally having a good time.  Then I noticed something odd.  At the bottom of an big oak tree was a slumped over figure...weird.  A few minutes I glanced back over and the figure was still there and no one really was paying attention to this person.  Now granted I was a little tipsy but still had the where with all to fast forward in my head through all those after school specials of movies of kids who die from alcohol poisoning and prom specials.  So I kind of broke away from the group and headed to the oak tree.

I peered at the person and I was like "oh my gosh Conner?!" and got some kind of mumbled incohereant response.  So I knelt down and I'm like "Conner....Conner are you okay?" and no response.  I lifted up his left arm and when I let go it slumped down into the ground.   This could not be good and at only like 1am this seemed to be way too early to just be passing out drunk.  Now is probably a good time to let you know that Conner was the bassist (is that how you say it?) in the band with Gavin and the drummer.  So we had spent a few months as "friends" like not real friends but the type of friend you are when you are dating one of his best friends.  I went to grab him some water and went back and he still was just as I was getting worried.  So I said "Conner....Conner can I call someone for you".  Now I should also mention that the oak tree was between the main party area and the port-a-potties so there was enough traffic but I just happened to be the person who stopped and wandered slightly off the main path.  So there I am knelt in front of Conner trying to put some water on my hand and put it on the back of his neck etc because he was all hot and sweaty and unresponsive. 

Then from behind me I feel a tiny shoove and someone say "get the fuck away from him" was Gavin.  Let me rephrase that a very DRUNK Gavin.   
I whip around "Conner is NOT okay".
Gavin: "well thats not your problem"
Me:  "Gavin he was here by himself and he is sick or has alcohol poisoning or something"
Gavin:  "he isn't your friend so don't worry about him...its not like you care about anyone except your f*cking self"
Me: "woah Gavin where did that come from"
Gavin:  "Teagan you are acting like a slutty b*tch"

I didn't realize that this exchange was being witnessed by Dave and a few of Nathan's friends. 
Then Gavin took a fast step toward me and I flinched and that is when the madness began.  It all happened in the blink of an eye. Dave shoved Gavin, Gavin shoved Dave.  One of Nathan's other friends grabbed me and escorted me away and the other ran for Nathan. 
So a small fist fight had broken out between Gavin and Dave and they were fairly evenly matched. 
When Nathan heard what happened one of the guys told him "yea I saw him he shoved Teagan and then he stepped at her like he was going to hit her so we stepped in"...cue the testosterone driven 19 year old football player who had just made it clear tonight that we (Nathan and I) were officially "together" and Gavin had now "disrepected" him. 

And then an almost comical chase began Nathan was chasing Gavin across the field...and I was chasing Nathan.  Gavin was shouting at Nathan "you big dumb goon what the f*ck are you going to do?" (Gavin was a little quicker)....Nathan was shouting at Gavin "you small f*cking loser why don't you step up and fight" (Nathan was a LOT bigger and more than a foot taller).  I was shouting at both of them "Gavin quick being an idiot...Nathan you are going to kill him please stop!"  This went on for a while until they both stopped and took a couple of swings at each other and the entire party stopped to watch.  Nothing too bad happened...they each got a couple of good jabs in and some blood was spilt before Gavin finally took off in a friends car.  Nathan was all puffed up with pride and was like "okay babe let's go grab a drink" and order restored to the party. 

Until Gavin came back ...with backup ....his dad.  Seriously.  Him and his dad walked up to Nathan (who had about 12 football guys to back him up).  It didn't stop Gavin and his dad they were pretty hyped up and looking for a fight.  There were lots of obsenties thrown back and forth but Rob's parents had heard all the commotion and said they would call the police if this wasn't resolved immediately.  Technically almost everyone there was drinking underage and in no way able to get home so it quickly became an uprising of everyone wanting Gavin to leave.  Gavin and his dad were thrown off the property.  I felt bad for them though.  I don't know... it was such a weird situation.  For those of you who were wondering...Gavin's dad went from trying to fight Nathan and the guys to saying he was only there to get Conner home safely.  So at least Conner was taken care of.  Nathan and all his friends felt validated and cool they had gotten Gavin to leave (even AFTER Gavin had gone home to get his dad for backup).

The night was starting to dwindle as the sun started to come up.  I discovered Nathan wasn't so good at planning a place for us...he had neglected to get an actual tent for us or couldn't find it due to his drunken state.  I was tipsy but by no means drunk and really it wasn't bad to share a tent with some other people (another couple) because I figured it was less of a chance of him to try anything.  We made out a bit in the tent but then the guy part of the couple we were sharing the tent with sat bolt upright and then puked all over his girlfriend.  Yup all over her and himself.  I covered my mouth and started to get out of the tent as soon as possible with Nathan straight behind me.  (And for the record that couple slept in their puke ALL night)...thank god I never drank to that extent ever.  In the cool of the morning we huddled beside the dwindling bon fire.  He kissed me on the forehead and said  "I'm glad I brought you to prom Teagan and being with me was much better than if you had gone with that loser"  (weird he was giving himself the credit before I even had a chance to/wanted to).  So we sorta slept against each other before some people started to awaken and started to leave the prom.  There was no food here and everyone was starting to get hungry/embarrased by their actions/just wanted a shower and real bathroom.  

Again Nathan hadn't EXACTLY planned how we were going to get home.  We were going to try and head with Ashley and her porn co-star home.  But they were ummm busy in the back seat of the Mustang (good thing no one had a videocamera around).  So he got some poor kid to volunteer to drive us all the way back into town and then to get his car at Ashley's.  The kid was all nervous/honoured to drive us home (that felt bizarre).  So we get into the car which was parked right in front of where Ashley and her boyfriend were getting it on.  I was ready to get home to sleep and shower.  So we get into the back...the poor guy driving was a combination of very hungover and very tired and instead of us driving away (putting the car in drive)...we drove right back ONto the Mustang (in Reverse).  And we were in a giant suburban.  We drove up and onto the trunk area of the Mustang with the rear end of our car, shattering the rear window.  Everyone started screaming and running at our two cars.  Everyone was okay but just a little frightened.  Pretty sure we scared the crap out of Ashley and her boyfriend.  And that is how I ended my prom night.  The poor guy that was driving us was now a nervous wreck...he had the opportunity to hang out with Nathan and now he drove into basically the coolest couple in school while they were having sex.  I guess he pretty much sealed his popularity fate...but where was mine headed I wondered at the time?.  I had prom under my belt, still had my V-card, had a new cool popular boyfriend and the summer to look forward to.  All-in-all things were looking pretty good.  I just had to talk my way out of how I was involved in a car accident that my parents knew about before I even walked in the front door that morning (how is it that parents seem to find out everything?!) 

To be continued....

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Chapter X-18: Working on Chapter 6...

So I'm working on Chapter 6 and its coming along but it is longer than I thought and it is taking me a second to get it down...also my focus has been off lately...
Partially because it is almost Christmas and I am sad and annoyed and frustrated.
It is one of those situations where maybe time heals all wounds but I'm kind of over waiting for it to pass.

It is for sure like one step forward two steps back.
So here was my one step forward:  one of my co-workers asked me if my fiance was coming up for Christmas and I say "no" she says "why not" and I say "its just not working out" YEA for me for at least kind of saying something.

Then later two steps back...on one of the big bosses in front of me starts telling 2 suppliers all about my life I'm actually not just a secretary but tells them my profession and then tells them about me waiting for my Visa to go through because my future husband resides in another country etc etc etc....I had no choice...but to be like "yes doesn't my life sound good and perfect and my only issue is to wait for this time to pass" ughhhhhhh it is so darn frustrating. 

Part of me wants to just throw my work stuff in the air and be like "look my life sucks right now...I just got completely abandoned after giving up my entire life and moving half way across the world for the person I thought I would grow old with...and now I have to suck it up everyday and put a smile on my face and try to make it to the end of the day, while coming up with an alternative plan that would never have been a plan of mine in the first place and I'm exhausted and miserable"

Such is life and I hope it gets better.  Funny when the heart breaks it doesn't break "even"...someone has it better.  In this case it is Spencer.  I'm pretty sure he is having ZERO negative effects...I'm pretty sure this isn't even bothering him and this is killing me.  I said this to Taylor who of course has tons of wisdom and says "he might not be hurting he is a cold hearted snake and dismissed it all so fast that honestly, he probably isn't which says a lot about his character..." as usual she is completely right and though it dulls the pain it doesn't make it go away.  It is the most heartbroken I have ever felt.  How could I have gotten it so WRONG.  I feel like a complete failure, my life feels like I have no direction and I'm scrambling just to get my feet underneath me.  I am trying and things help like New Years, and Taylor's visit and Winterpeg trip.  That is what I need to focus on, but sometimes I find myself in this dark spiral which makes me feel like I accomplish nothing of value.  I feel like this was a total waste of a chapter with nothing learned...ugh I suck.  I wonder if some of the chapters are horrible and I just delete them later because they are boring and repetitive and whiny and fact I don't feel any better after writing this and that is a first.
what. a. waste.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Loving me some Lilly!

So on another completely fun and frivolous rant. I am finally getting my first Lilly.  To me Lilly Pulitzer is everything I love it is preppy and girly and cheerful.  I am definitely a Lilly girl but I am finally getting my first two pieces.  So without further ado here are my first two pieces.
Don't have the right necklace? Add a murfee. Wearing a boring dress? Add a murfee. Cold? Add a murfee!... We have a feeling most questions can be answered by adding a murfee. So don't go too far into Fall without one!
49% cashmere, 51% silk scarf/wrap.

Doesn't the name just say it all. We receive, oh maybe a ba-zillion emails asking us to make a simple tote that is PRINT and you can carry your: A. books B. daily essentials C. gym stuff (eek, the gym!) WHATEVER you want to carry this is your tote. And the best part? It's PRINTED and $88. Smiles all around!
Printed tote in original 1959ish prints 12.75"h X 16.5"w X 5"d.
I love love love these two things.  They really are "Pledge Perfection" like the website says.  I love thing that are Kappa because they ground me and remind me of what I am and what I can be and the ENDLESS support and strength I have behind me.  One of the best decisions I ever made was to become a Kappa.  I also would never have met two of my best friends and then countless more without Kappa. 

Taylor is also kind enough to buy (they don't accept payments from Canada and no stores here yet) and bring them for me when she comes to visit (as IF I need any more reasons to be excited about her coming here).

The more I read and learn about things like Lilly Pulitzer the more I love.  How great that she is one of the first woman entrepeneurs?!  Check out her story below.

What is a 21 year-old girl named Lilly to do after she’s just eloped?
Lilly married Peter Pulitzer and escaped the hustle and bustle of New York City for the sun and sand of Palm Beach? With your husband running the family orange groves, why not start a juice stand?
And that is just what Lilly did back in 1959, but her new business venture soon gave her a closet full of juice-stained clothes. Inspired by the colorful nature of her newly dyed wardrobe, Lilly launched a line of brightly colored shift dresses covered in playful prints. It wasn’t long before her dresses became a hit in all of the country’s most fashionable resort towns, and soon ’60s style icons like Jackie Kennedy were wearing Lilly’s designs.
Fast-forward 50 years, and Lilly Pulitzer prints are still a favorite for all those people that lead colorful lives.

So excited!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Taylor's trip to Canada

So I have so much fun stuff planned for Taylor's first trip to Canada.
I'm going to burst!  I so wish I could post it all here!!!
I have so many incredible amazing things planned.
Part of it is selfish because this is just what a need to kick start me into being myself again.
I am going to try hard and keep it a secret but its so darn hard...I usually tell Taylor everything.
So excited.

Positive Quickie

So quick break from my obsessive exboyfriend project and from b*tching/complaining about the most reason especially hit home because again I was reading one of my new fav blogs and her latest article here.  From reading it I came to realize a lot of times that the "why"'s just don't matter.  So where does that put my focus...seeing as I am focusing on the past.  Am I trying to figure out a "why"?  I don't think so I think i'm trying to figure out my mistakes figure out how to move on and figure out how to be happier.  I love and think it is true that the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour (yet another reason why boys never deserve a second chance).  And that actions really matter a whole heck of lot more than words. 

So never fear I will be continuing on with my exboyfriend project...I am hoping chapters XX will start to have more of a positive spin and better direction for me.  I generally think I'm a good person with a whole lot of love for the right person.  I'm not going to lie there will probably be a sprinkle of profanity/negativity/complaints especially as things with Spencer get finalized.  However, in order to stay sane I need to have some positivity in my life and things that I look forward to. 

Right now those things I'm looking forward to are:
1. New Years Eve~ 9 best friends and a lakehouse...tons of awesome
2. Taylor's visit to Canada wahoo!
3. February visit to Winnigpeg to visit one of the girl.

I read somewhere that you need to have a gratuity journal or something like that.
Here goes a little attempt.
I am greatful for: my girls, my family (who are trying to help despite their not being able to help me the way I want them to-I realize this sounds horribly wrong), my sweet dog, having a job, thats all I got right now.  For the record I feel like this is kind of lame but may try it more than once we will see.

So here's a quote from my fav girl Lauren (who the blog inspiration came from) that I love... (ahhhh her wisdom is epic)
"Boys are like purses. You're always gonna have that one boy that you're always comfortable with and you know you'll always kind of like. That's your purse that you wear everywhere. Then you have that gorgeous bag that you want everyone to see you with but the gorgeous bag is usually an asshole or costs a lot of money. Then you have those other purses that you really like but you really don't want to be seen with. "
So on that note...heres to the purses that I really need to put away and to all the new possible purses out there who I will love and want to be seen with.


PS new chapter for the exboyfriend project ...tomorrow I think

Chapter X-17: Cryin' Won't Help You Now

So yesterday (Sunday) I was extremely frustrated at not hearing from Spencer.
Especially with his text on Friday saying "I'll call you tomorrow".
Here's what went down via text

Me:  Could you please let me know if the 28th at noon works for my parents to get my things.
Spencer: Yes that works.
Me:  Is there any contact info ie. a phone number etc as my parents will be travelling 2+hrs and would like to confirm the morning of.
Me:  Also if you would like to have any papers etc for dissolution then they can bring them here and we can end this as soon as possible as per your request.
Spencer: I don't need papers, Teagan.  The morning of the 28th parents are aware and will be there if I have to travel.
Me:  Well if you could please call me then to explain how it works/ending the "marriage" it would be very helpful.  I will cooperate in any way possible.
Me:  I really wish you would talk to me just one time to clear everything up.
Spencer:  I am waiting to hear from the lawyer...and my friend that is a family lawyer is looking into it.
Me:  It jurts me that you won't even talk on the phone to me.
Spencer:  I have no info right now.  It just every time you call, I either don't have my phone with me or I am working.  I am sorry you feel that way...
Me:  I guess I just wish there was an explanation of what happened because honestly I am shocked how things seemed to change 180 degrees in a few short weeks...I'm just trying to understand/find an explanation which would make it easier. response.
I'm so angry and frustrated.  Firstly because he told me he would be travelling from 27th-6th now its "if" he travels.  The fact that he won't even man up and discuss things over a phone is ridiculous.
And FYI I haven't called him in more than 2 weeks....and HE is the one who texted me Friday saying he would call on Saturday!!!!  I am so angry right now my blood is boiling.  It is total BS who doesn't have their phone with them and then hello calling back is usually courteous...or WHY ELSE would you text someone saying you will call the next day.  I am beyond angry and frustrated.  I have been so patient and non-harrassing I can't believe it.  I guess it will become step 1: get my things back and after that then it will be step 2.

This has just gotten beyond ridiculous in every possible way.
So frustrated!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Chapter X-16: We change, we wait*

He didn't call yesterday.
But really at this point can I trust a single word that comes out of his mouth?
Like my bestie Taylor says "how does he tie his shoes in the morning?"
I guess its almost like going through the stages of grief and I've gone from the sad part to the anger part.
Though I'm not exactly sure about all the actual stages.
I suppose I could google it but that is neither here nor there.

The more the days go by the more I'm filled with anger and disbelief like how the heck did it get to this point?
How does someone does this to another human being?
Especially someone who you vowed to love for better or worse.
I guess someone who doesn't take vows seriously.
I am at the point where I'm angry.  He can't even pull it together to end it finally (and as you will know it is difficult for me to do so because of certain circumstances).

I have made some steps to move forward with my life.
Not enough steps but a few.  
I guess it is easier to sit on the couch, watch movies and blog then actually go and do something.
I was invited to my cousin's holiday party last night but then found out it wasn't just couples but a ton of my family set to be there...and really I didn't want that to be the time to share in the big bad news.
And since these "life events" (like the now cancelled big family wedding) are what we talk about it I just couldn't bear it so I ditched the even.
Guess I will just blame it on not feeling good when I see my cousin tomorrow at work.
Maybe I will tackle the 95 boxes in basement reorganizing my life.  (Well the life that isn't stuck a country away in 3 suitcases and 2 boxes).
My friend Val is a great re-organizer and would probably tell me that if they were in 95 boxes in the basement I didn't need them anyhow...but I'm not that brave to just chuck them.
I wonder if I could half everything?  I wonder if I'm actually that motivated?
Nah I'm probably just waste another day here on the couch...maybe continue with some of the older Exs


Saturday, December 18, 2010

Chapter 5: Hi, Society!

Okay so more back on track with my ExBoyfriend Project.
So where was I...Cammy and I were as close as friends could be.
I was dumped 3 weeks before prom by Gavin.
Now I had a lunch date with Nathan (who was a potential knight in shining armour/prom date).

I was terrified...I didn't run with this crowd. 
In fact half of what appeared to be Nathan's close girl friends were kicked off the cheerleading team the past couple of years.

What the heck did he want to do with me.
And what would I wear...

Turns out I wore a navy blue spagetti strap dress (with a cardigan because at our school spagetti straps were NOT allowed).
I was so nervous and especially because every possible lunch place close to our school was ALWAYS crowded with students...especially the cool ones.
Nathan was really sweet and nice he drove me to the Pizza place which was crowded and it felt like everyone turned and stared and went silent when we went in.
I could practically hear their thoughts
...what is Nathan doing with her?
What is going on I mean she may be a cheerleader but that just isn't THAT cool anymore?
At least she doesn't have braces anymore....
So weird I wonder what Nikki (Nathan's ex-girlfriend and a "popular girl") will say when she hear's this! get the idea.

Luckily Nathan broke the ice with everyone and we grabbed pizza to go (because there is no way we would do any talking with everyone dying to know what we were saying).
He was nice and pretty funny....totally different then the brooding sensitive singer Gavin...which was a nice change of pace.  It made me a little uncomfortable like a cross between me trying to be on my best behaviour and yet somehow trying to exhude "coolness".  I can't say he was the brightest but he was cool and a jock and he made me laugh.  We talked about a bunch of high school topics and hit it off enough that as we headed back to school for class he asked me to hang out with him, Cammy and Dave to watch a movie that weekend.

I can't remember what the movie was but I do remember it was fun.  And Nathan was nice to me...didn't rush to try and kiss me.  Also he was a gentlemen (or at least was acting like it) and really I enjoyed hanging out with him.  I remember he worked for a security company on the weekend as a securty guard at a local hotel so later that weekend we (Cammy, Dave and I) went to visit him and bring him coffee.

Things kind of moved at a whirlwind (but still Teagan) pace.  The weekend before prom Dave and Nathan invited us to a cottage that they had rented with all their friends.  I was against it but Cammy wanted to go.  We finally came to a compromise.  Cammy's brother lived in that small beach town where the cottage was.  I agreed to go IF we stayed with Cammy's brother and NOT at the cottage.

Off we went to the weekend and it was...interesting. 
It was kind of weird and uncomfortable because there was about 20 people at this mansion like cottage.  It was gorgeous and right on the lake.  I was incredibly nervous like we shouldn't be there even though we were invited.  I remember sitting on the back deck and looking at one of the other guys girlfriends...she was absolutely incredibly gorgeous.  She looked like a frigging Barbie doll!  How on earth did I fit in here?  But people were polite enough (at least to my face).  I did feel uncomfortable because honestly I felt like I didn't really belong.  I mean at least no one out and out was rude or mean to me. 

Then Cammy disappeared into a room with Dave.  And I was not about to let that bad thing happen again (though now a span of about 2 years had passed).  So I was in the hall pounding on the door being like "Cammy your brother is expecting us and its after midnight and we have to go"...Nathan tried really gently to tell me to lay off and leave them alone but I wasn't having it.  About 15 minutes later a VERY happy Dave came out of the room and a red faced Cammy.  We went to her brothers place without any further incident.  I was a little upset but really we were both getting older and we had to make our own decisions.

That week was the week before prom and Nathan had checked and gotten the OK from school officials to get late tickets to prom.  Yippee!  And he asked if it was okay if he asked me to go to prom.  Of course I said yes.  Also of note I was so busy doing all these new activities with the high society crowd of my school I barely noticed Gavin was gone and it's not like he tried to call or contact me really so I was just going about getting excited to go to prom.  

The Monday before prom I had just gotten home from cheerleading practice and was just getting out of the shower when Nathan called.  We chatted about a few things and then my doorbell rang and he was like "ok I will let you go so you can get that".  So I go to the door and on the doorstep is this kid...(probably like a ninth grader with slicked back hair and a vest on with a red shirt and bow tie and jeans...kind of odd looking).  With 48 red roses and a card.  He kind of stammered something about the flowers were for me.  And in the card was a really nice note from Nathan asking me to "officially" go to prom with him.  I was happy and excited.  He called me back thinking it was hysterical to get his neighbour to dress up and drop off the flowers. (I guess I didn't get how it was that funny ...but whatever).  We made our official plans.  We were going to go with 9 other couples on a city bus they had rented.  It was apparently not cool to rent a limo(phew maybe it wasn't a bad thing that I lost a deposit on a very "uncool" boring limo).  There was a pre-party at Ashley's house (one of the premiere popular girls), Nathan would pick me up at home in his car and we would leave it at Ashley's place.  He also reminded me about the after party that year and to make sure I was staying over...a point I had been arguing with my parents for practically the whole year in advance. 

The after party was in a field on this kid Rob's parents farm.  Most of the boy's had headed there during the day to set up tents and coolers etc.  There were portapotties rented for the party and my friend the drummer and Gavin's good friend was set to DJ.  All and all it was going to be a great night.  I felt super comforable because I thought there was no way possible people would do "it" so close to everyone and in a tent (ick!)  It was a long argument that I had had with my parents...but somehow they allowed me to go.  I don't think anyone DIDN'T attend.  It was set to be a big night...some argue prom night is the biggest night of your life...I had no idea what was about to happen.  I certainly did not expect to be the centre of a whole lot of drama that night...

To be continued...
xoxo Teagan

The Holidays

I wonder if anyone feels the way I do about the Holidays.
This year I hate them.  This is usually NOT like me at all.
I usually love Christmas.  I have 4 big bins of Christmas decorations and holiday decor.  (and I've always lived in tiny one bedroom apartments :)
I make a habit of collecting Christmas ornaments when I travel so that when I decorate the Christmas tree I have tons of memories of my life (which sometimes I wonder if it is the wiseness of this decision).

I guess I have good Christmas's when I'm in a relationship and bad Christmas's when I'm not in one.
I guess this isn't really a huge revelation. 
I just feel like the holidays are a time when it is a couply time.
I guess what it comes down to is that part of me really wants a relationship that is strong and unbreakable and a start of a family my own family.
Where you compliment each other and kiss and hug each other often.
To have someone that you wake up beside everyday.
Someone who works just as hard as I do to make the day good.
What I mean by that is I consciously think to myself okay what can I do to make their day better?
I one day hope that someone wants to be the same towards me.
Maybe its because I don't feel really close to my actual family ...that I've been dying for a relationship to involve these things.
Its not that my family is awful or doesn't "love" me when it comes down to it. 
It is just different.
I guess I could blame culture as a part of it.
I see all the "American" ways of how things are and my family doesn't fit that.
We aren't a "huggy" family or a family that says I love you on the phone or in person really.
I remember when I moved away (like thousands of miles away) I went out on a limb and started saying "I love you" on the phone and kept at it until it became something that once in awhile they would say it too.
It doesn't mean that they don't love me it is just how they have learned how to do things.
My family just takes a very negative approach to everything and being as sensitive as I am it just is draining and depressing to be around that for an extended period of time.

It is kind of ironic that last year I was homesick at Christmas (because I was with someone).
This year I wish I was away for Christmas.
Funny how it all works out.
Is it a wonder that around the Holidays the suicide rate goes up.
Maybe it is all just marketing on TV all the happy families, all the jewellery commercials.
Is it an unrealistic expectation of it all?
The heartbreak sure does NOT help at this time of the year.

I've been reading a new blog lately of someone who seems to have an interesting outlook it seems very "sex and the city" to me (which I can appreciate).    My favourite line from this was..." I just wanted to point out that not every single person was doing the rah rah, it’s awesome to be single during the holidays dance, and that I am willing to accept loneliness for what it is.  Normal. Temporary. Nonfatal." 
So that is where I'm going to glean some type of hope for the awful painful feeling I have's temporary...and it too shall pass.

I still have decided if I'm going to my cousin's holiday party tonight....I'm just not sure maybe I will talk to one of the girls and see what they think.  I go back and forth...part of me thinks it would be good and part of me thinks it would hurt too much to explain to people even something as short as "now I'm single and I don't want to talk about it".  It is also difficult because these are all fringe people as in I see them like every 2-3 years for an evening usually (beside the fact that I now work with my cousin Richard).  So is it better or worse to be around people who you aren't as close to.  I don't want to make them feel awkward about my own terrible situation.   As far as they know I'm happily engaged with a huge wedding in 9 months.  Maybe I should just hunker down here on the couch...not sure yet.


Chapter X-15: 10:44:34PM

Spencer texted last night

Ill call you tomorrow...

Friday, December 17, 2010

Chapter 4: It's alright ma, I'm only bleeding*

* Warning:  this gets graphic/medical issues

So as the popular girls dropped one by one.
I grew stronger (both physically and mentally).
I'm sure the reputation of the cheerleading team diminished some...but we also rose in the provincial rankings dramatically!
I would like to say I grew into being a leader on the team.
Coach Pete taught me the value of hard work...he taught me that the trophies are won in practice and the competition was merely for picking up the hardware (trophies).
I was no longer the tape winder or sideline/substitute girl.
It was a slow and steady improvement and took a lot of sweat.
It got to the point that after fall tryouts we would meet Coach Pete to discuss our opinions of who should/should not make the team.
It was amazing.

I would say that there was a core four of us that got really close.
Jules, Cammy, River and I.
We would ride to competitions together...share a super fun drives to University Nationals to cheer on our own Coach Pete (who won Nationals EVERY year he competed-we were lucky to have such a great coach).
I remember discussing with Cammy and River virginity.
That's right I guess I'm really not going to hold back.
I was a panickier and always thought of worse case scenario (though I would NEVER imagine a scenario that actually ended up occurring).
I remember talking to them who both had boyfriends (Cammy's stoner boyfriend) at the time and were considering doing "it".
I was adamantly against it (even though it really had nothing to do with me).
I remembered all the points we discussed in 9th Grade health class.
I was like you could get an STD! You could get Pregnant! You could get an STD AND PREGNANT!
What if your parents found out?!
What if your boyfriend broke up with you after?!
It was pretty much a bad situation (from my 16 year old perspective).

Cammy and River were more worried about options for birth control etc.
I didn't see it coming...I thought okay....seriously it is hard to you tampons and a penis has got to be more like at least width of a sausage (obviously I had not seen an actual penis is real life at this point).
How would that EVER fit in there?!
And it had to hurt!  All the teen magazines said it hurt and didn't feel good the first few times.
And there can be blood?  Would the boy find that gross?  How much blood were they talking about exactly?
All and all it sounded like a bad idea.
I remember thinking too how could these girls really think about doing this.
So first River lost her V-card (what we called our Virginity).
I do have to say she was responsible about it.
She went to the woman's clinic downtown to get free birth control.
The clinic didn't tell your parents and you could get physicals and STD checking at no cost.
She said it doing "it" was okay and was getting better but more importantly her boyfriend really liked to hang out with her way more.  (Hmmm I wonder why...oh well we all make our decision at some point I guess).

I remember a car ride home with just Cammy one time and I was like "I'm kind of mad a River after all that discussion and she goes and does "it" like its no big deal.  And its still totally risky behaviour."
Cammy was just talking with me and based on our conversation I thought she definitely didn't want to take the same route as River.

So later that month (it was November) and we had a half day at school for professional development for the teachers.  I was going home to study for a test and I dropped off Cammy and her boyfriend at his house (which was like 2 blocks away from my house).

About an hour later I get a phone call ...its Cammy and she is crying.
Cammy: "You're going to be so mad at me"
Me: "huh...what?  What's going on Cammy?"
Cammy:  "I had sex and something is wrong?"
Me:  "what ...what is going on...its hard to hear you have the faucet on?"
Cammy: "Okay so today we were going to have sex for the 2nd time...and we did and it was okay and I mean I bleed the first time but I'm really bleeding now...and I think I should go to the woman's clinic can you come get me".
Me: "yea of course I'll be right there"
Cammy:  "Teagan this is really embarrassing but I need you to bring me like tampons and a pads and underwear because mine is ruined and bloody"
Me:  "no problem"

So I grab some things and head right there.  She looks all pale and NOT good.  So I give her the things she puts them on and a pair of splash pants (wind pants with cotton liner on) and we head out. 
Cammy:  "Teagan I'm bleeding really bad"
Me: "so should we call an ambulance? or go to hospital?" 
Cammy: "No lets go to the woman's clinic I feel better going there."

So we drive (downtown is like 15/20minutes away).
When she gets out of the car she had bleed through tampon, 3 pads, underwear and splash pants onto the car bright red blood.
I sucked in a breath...this was a bad bad situation.
We walked in and she went straight to the bathroom.
I fill in paperwork and am holding her ID and the nurse is like take a seat.
I lost it...I burst into tears "we cannot take a best friend is dying...she is bleeding so much and is in the bathroom and she is terrified".
So the nurse follows me to the bathroom and Cammy is on the toilet and it sounds like she is peeing but she isn't.
They rush her to a room and call an ambulance and the doctor starts to literally pack her with rolled up gauze.  She is crying and apologizing that I have to see her vagina...I'm like "look this is no big deal" and I'm holding her hand  and trying not to cry in front of her.  Ambulance gets there and takes her to the hospital and I follow the ambulance in my car so that we have a ride home (because at this point I still think we can keep this underwraps from her parents).

At the hospital I learned the laws you see she was 15 which means they have to call her parents.
At 16 they don't have to.  Her birthday was in 8 days unfortunately.
The intake nurse gave me the option to call her parents and I was like "heck no!  You please do it".
I just sat with her and waited for her parents to come.
Her boyfriend arrived first and I said to him "maybe you shouldn't be here when her parents get here."
Her parents arrived and they were so upset and I remember her mom crying and trying to give me gas money for driving Cammy to the hospital and I was like I can't take this.
River came to the hospital then and we went to eat something and wait to find out what happened to Cammy.
We stopped at a drugstore and bought her magazines and candy and lipgloss and things to try and make her feel better.  From what I can remember they just diagnosed her with spontaneous hemorrhaging.  They gave her an IV and ended up sending her home.  Oh yea and no sex for 8 weeks.  I though her parents were going to have a heart attack when the doctors said that.
I remember too because we had a cheerleading competition the following week and she couldn't get medical clearance to participate.
It must have been so difficult for her to watch us compete without her...and hard for us to.
I remember the little 9th grader that took her spot (and her uniform) shaking from the pressure to basically try and fill in for the star of our team.  Thank goodness it was an early competition and didn't have too much bearing on our provincial/national standings. 
That whole experience made me TERRIFIED of sex.  Needless to say ...I never had sex in high school period.  And from that point on we were very very close.

My birthday was like a week later...Cammy got me underwear.
We both laughed until we had tears in our eyes and gave each other a big hug.

To be continued...and back to the Ex's specifically

Between Order & Randomness*

I woke up all kinds of restless today.
Hmmm maybe because as of today we have been engaged/pseudo-married for 10 months
And our now-cancelled wedding is/was 9 months from now.
Still no response on whether my parents picking up my things from him works on the day I suggested.
Really he is making this the worst most painful ever.

Can I mention that I think Christmas is one of the most romantic holidays of the year?
When I drive downtown I see couples arm-in-arm, sharing coffee, holding hands and snuggling from the cold, parties and events where having a date is simply lovely (I'm obviously such a date person).
I love having someone to shop for and plan out a great gift.
I love the tree decorating, the family visits, the hand holding...
That's when the loneliness hits homes.  I have no one.
Which is not true I have wonderful friends and a family that does care (even if we can't function normally together or without being completely abrasive). 
But I'm still up in this weird kind of limbo because things aren't resolved etc.

The other thing is I go back and forth about the holidays.
So yesterday my cousin Richard (Bella's older brother) invited me to their holiday party on Saturday.
I was like yea that sounds great (because initially he asked if I had plans this Saturday and I was like no not really).
So do I go?
In one way it gets me out of the house (which I suppose is a good thing).
In the other I know someone WILL ask about is inevitable.
I could have a plan of what to say.
The other thing is is going to come up eventually at some point...someone will ask and I can't keep lying about it.
The things is I know at Richard's party it will be all couples.
Really great sweet couples but all couples none the less.
His wife Elli is my age...and 5 months pregnant.
Their wedding was the only wedding I have ever been in (bridesmaid) besides my one stint as a ring bearer (yes you read that right in my godfather's wedding I was a ringbearer - but totally in like flower girl attire...weird I know but my family doesn't really do normal).
So do I go to this holiday party?

In other random news...I work with Elli's brother (who was the groomsman who was my escort in their wedding).  And I have talked to him a few times since starting to work here.
Only I totally did NOT put two and two together.
Didn't realize it was the same person.
I am totally dense.
The dude has really distinctive Justin Guarini hair (like the guy from first American Idol).
I have no idea how I didn't put this together...the wedding was only 5 years ago.
Part of me wonders if I'm that self-absorbed in my own life?...

Granted the wedding was a crazy weekend...I was in graduate school and flew into Canada Thursday evening.
Friday I went for my one and only dress fitting, got my hair coloured and done just in time for the rehearsal.
Friday night rehearsal and dinner and over night in hotel.
Saturday wedding...then Sunday morning at 3:30am a shuttle picked me up to take me to the airport where I flew back to Texas and was back at school Sunday (we had reviews for National testing like Bar Exam for Law school the following week)  at like 11:30 in jeans, Sweatshirt and wedding hair....fabulous right?
So it was a whirlwind weekend.

So literally as I was writing this post my mom called to talk about cancelling all the wedding vendors...again.
Every time my voices catches and feel tears coming to my eyes.
I must be really nice for Spencer to NOT have to deal with any of this.
It is extremely painful for me.
Every part of this sucks in every way possible.
I feel like I will never get married and will be alone forever.
And I'm one of those girls that fantasized about her wedding since I was a little kid.
I want the whole big thing...part of the reason we had basically an 18 month pseudo-engagment period was to be able to get all the amazing vendors and to be able to pay for the wedding.
Now to undo is so much worse...I wish we had never even gone there and I wonder what he was possibly thinking as we picked out venue, and cakes, and tuxedos and talked about first dances etc.
I just don't understand.

So I officially have 0 focus.
I can't decide anything for the life of me.
I feel like I'm in limbo.
BUT I plaster a smile on my face and sit at work and try to get everything done.
Make idol chitchat and pretend that everything is going great.
When I wish that Spencer hadn't changed his mind and was flying up here for Christmas.
That I still had a beautiful wonderful wedding to look forward to.
That my life was still in the direction that I thought...and my life unfolding perfectly in front of me.
Well no...I don't wish that exactly ...
I "get" that everyone thinks it is better to have found out now than down the road with kids and houses and more of a mess.
I understand that BUT it doesn't make the hurt go away.
I guess I wish more to be with someone that loved me and wouldn't leave.
To be with someone who thought I was the most important person in their life (and they mine).
I want my own family unit...I want someone to spend the holidays with...every year.
I am tired of being alone.
I am tired of getting screwed over.
I am tired of always being the one to give more.
Am I destined to always be alone and always be the one to give more?
That is why I started my exboyfriend project...maybe I will understand why this happens...maybe someone will tell me what I'm doing wrong (God know I need to listen to someone's advice).
Why do I feel like I can't even make a single good decision lately.
I feel incredibly lost and am just trying to find some kind of semblance of a normal life...which makes me wonder about if I should be going to that holiday party or do I need more hermit alone time?
It is supposed to get easier at some point right????

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Chapter 3: I will dare*

So before I actually continue with the boy drama.
So you can skip on through if you just want to hear about the boys...straight to Chapter 5 :)
I think I want to expand more on my friendship with Cammy and my experience with cheerleading in high school...because I think it has something to do with my relationships.  You see a lot of what I learned from relationships and other things came from me watching Cammy go through it first.  You see we got closer and closer as the years went by in high school.

During our first year on the cheerleading team together she was good...she was a star!
She picked things up faster then anyone else.
She was a natural...I on the other hand was not.
I didn't compete my entire first year until the last competition of the season.
When they would run routines I would literally wind the tape to the perfect spot, practice all my substitution roles along side and memorize everyones counts and positions.
Cammy only sat out the first competition before she had a staring of the pyramid of course.
Our friendship was slow to start...but forged strong none the less.
Like I said before I was NOT a natural but I loved the sport (and no I'm not going to argue with anyone about the fact on if it is a sport or not).

The cheerleading team was a tough thing in my first year.
Getting braces that year certainly did not help the matter.
Though it was undergoing a huge change with the coaching and the new discipline there still was a decent carry over of the "popular" girls...the ones that made the uniforms look great.
They were mean and viscious.
I remember they were not happy that some band nerd had made the team and I wasn't even that great (I know this had to bother them immensely).  I'm so glad I stuck it out though because being on that team changed my life...heck it changed my soul and who I was.

How difficult was it?  I think it is much harder to be a chick than a dude.
Boys can scrap throw a few punches and be done with it.
Well girls cut with looks, words and attitude...and they can cut straight to the bone.
There was a handful of girls and one in particular.  Jaimilyn.
She was AWFUL. 
She used to say to me after EVERY single practice (I don't know why I took this bullying for so long)
"We don't know how you got on this team.  We don't WANT you on this team.  In fact no one wants you should quit".
I would just take it and a swallow it like a jagged little pill. (shout out to my Canadian girl Alanis haha).
I would take it in silence and then I would go home and cry.
I would never cry in front of them.
I would go home and cry and then dry my tears and then do double what we did at practice.
Yup if that day we did 50 push ups and 50 situps then I would do 100 push ups and 100 situps (not in a row all the time but I finished that number before I went to bed).
I would practice the dances and motions until I could do them in my sleep.
If there was optional training in tumbling I took the class. 
You get the idea.

I stuck through that for a whole year.
I remember with a cold hard reality what it was like to go to the year end party at the captain's house Amanda.  We were all watching the video from provincials together on her big screen TV.
All of a sudden the video changed to inside one of the rooms...and Jaimilyn.
She went into an impression of me "Look at me I'm Teagan...I love cheerleading so much that I will take all the crap of the team...I didn't get to actually compete until the last competition of the season and I thought it was the know what would be the greatest if I dropped dead."
The silence in the room was deafining. 
I remember stammering "ummm I better go now".
Running upstairs I could hear someone say "that was cold Jaimilyn".
I ran the whole way home.

Over that summer our coach Pete made things even more disciplined.
We had summer practices at parks and the beach (running in the sand is so NOT glamorous).
The more disciplined and seriously athletic it got the faster the "popular" girls dropped like flies.
And finally in the September of my 11th grade.
Jaimilyn's bad attitude finally caught up with her.
She missed two practiced (not acceptible with our new solid disciplinary rules).
And when coach Pete asked what was up she answered him with "who the f*ck are you?!"
And that was the day she was kicked off the team :)
It was a great day for me.

Cheerleading really changed who I was.
I learned how to set goals and accomplish them.
I realized from how horrible Jaimilyn treated me that I would never do that to another teammate.
I loved our team so much.
I had my dad sponser us custom duffel bags.
We welcomed rookies on to the team with famous sleepovers and barbeques at my house.
We became a family.
And Cammy was my best friend on the team.
We grew really close especially during my 11th grade her 10th grade year.

How close?  Well it would take one trip to the ER under really scary circumstances to find out how close we would be.

To be continued...